How to Let Go of Love?
From the moment I woke up on November 27th, 2019 in what felt like a sea of black, I knew I was aborting my child, no questions, no second thoughts, no conversation.
So, what makes letting go of love so painful?
Why does becoming pregnant with a child forever change the way you look at life?
I remember the moment I woke up and I felt my breasts hard, enlarged, not like my period because my veins were bulked up already feeding another creature that would turn into a human inside of me.
I felt this little egg buzzing around my womb with so much energy.
I felt the Father’s heart, his true heart, his pure heart.
I felt this child every step I took I felt the little egg move around.
I went to yoga as I was reaching a NAMASTE state and this mischievous little energy, just like the eggs Father poking around distracting me from my task at hand.
The little egg wanted me to notice it, wanted me to acknowledge a miracle occurred, this little egg was a sign from God that I get to choose me.
It is safe as a Mum to choose You First Always.
Yet so many beautiful gifts were birthed from this child, who I learned is Ella, whom I will be adopting in my life.
The most surprising and awakening gift was I felt the heartbeat of not just this child, yet I felt the heartbeat of Ella’s Dad.
I felt his DNA, his heart, his purity.
Yet this is what made letting go of him so hard.
Because his heart, the heart I felt of our child inside of me, was not who I was experiencing from the man external to his DNA that was in my body.
On the outside of me, I experienced a man who was emotionally and physically unavailable while also abandoning me when I needed him.
I told him a lie that I had a miscarriage because more than anything in the world, he wanted a son.
When he was drunk one time after I had the “miscarriage” he was confusing realties and said,
“I’m so excited I’m having a son this summer. His mom is super jealous though.”
He was so excited in his purity to have a child.
Now obviously he was talking about me with being jealous (gaslighting me) as if any stable, healed and the whole woman would want to have a child while a bunch of other women are involved.
Could you imagine pregnant with someone’s child and they are emotionally involved and having sex with other people?
Disgusting, gross!
No child deserves that to be how they are entered into the world with unstable creation energy.
On top of this, I already had a “miscarriage” yet in reality an abortion.
He knew this so there wasn’t a child coming in summer 2020.
Yet, it’s in these moments I saw his manipulation and inner thoughts of his true desire and then when he was sober, I saw that mask he put over himself, to avoid that pain that his reality and desires didn’t match up.
However, what made it all so painful?
What took so long to release me from the ties of what could have been?
What took me so long was that I felt his true self inside of me.
Yet who I was experiencing as him outside of my body was different. And this was so hard because my body was telling me one thing of him and my experience of him outside of me was showing me something very different.
Once we experience someone else’s DNA within us, our life changes. This can be through unprotected sexual conduct we experience someone else’s DNA as well.
Because we begin to understand the concept of merging DNAs, that we truly are One Family on this Earth. We begin to understand the concept of blending identities together, and the power and influence we have upon each other.
And as women, we have no idea just how powerful we are.
We literally carry men’s DNA, we transmute men’s DNA, we take another person’s genes, our body creates an egg, we carry this egg within our bodies, and it leaves us to enter into the world. Talk about the circle of life, the push and pull of the entry, and the abandonment.
Men’s bodies do not do this.
Men cannot ever have any idea what it is like to have two other people’s DNA inside of your body growing.
Women are incredible because we feel the heartbeat of three people, our heartbeat, the person we co-created a child with, and our child.
This is beauty in its finest essence.
Feeling the heart of someone else, unifying it within ourselves to create a third heart.
Another living, breathing organism as two people become one.
This can happen through breathwork, intimacy, and the physical manifestation of a child where one plus one in fact equals three.
So, the questions remain:
How can you let go of someone when you felt their true heart not their mask into the world?
How can you even begin to let go of someone co-creating the most magnificent thing you can ever create in this life with someone?
It’s a process.
That isn’t easy.
It takes time.
Because you must learn to acknowledge your power that your inner body and reality are offering you a sensation of feeling the truth of who someone is, yet that person is not living in reality to the standards of who you felt the divinity of that person is.
This causes confusion.
Confusion with women causes trauma.
This man told me he needed space and didn’t speak to me for five days after I told him I had a miscarriage, total abandonment.
It’s nice to know if I would have called him telling him I would have had cancer, our future child had cancer, he would have needed space instead of showing up as a man to deal with the problem head-on.
I gave him space, I did exactly what he asked while I cried, and cried, and held myself because he chose to be absent.
Now the only thing I asked him, the one ask was to stay the night when I saw him.
I wanted to be held by him.
I was in my fuzzy sheep-like jacket, fighting back the tears as we laid on my bed because I wanted to be strong.
I felt his mind racing I could feel the thoughts, he was so attracted to me at that moment because we did it, we beat an outdated system for the matrix to fall apart, something we both believe is part of our purpose.
Yet when I asked him to stay, he said he must leave as we cannot keep doing the same thing over, and over again that is the definition of insanity.
Yet I never asked him to stay the night before with this much intention and desire.
He was confusing me with the other women.
And again, I laid in my bed crying, because he kept showing me, he’d always disappoint me, he’d never quite been able to show up at the Highest version of himself I felt he could, he’d only always deliver the bare minimum.
He said if I knew how much he cared about me I wouldn’t be crying, but that’s just it, I obviously didn’t know how much he cared about me because he left me alone, to do the heavy lifting, and I only offered him the light parts of me.
I never shared the darkness with him, because I thought I had to do it all alone.
I never asked for financial help, he never offered, I never brought my tears to him, only the light.
My emotional chaos would leak out at times and he’d gladly remind me I was having a poor attitude in life or being a victim “holding on to the miscarriage” after it happened two weeks beforehand.
Yet in his business and life, I’d seen him be there to pick up the pieces for many other women where men faulted, men failed.
It’s interesting as humans how we can so easily be there to clean up other people’s messes, yet we avoid picking up the mess we make in other people’s lives.
Because it’s easy to be the hero and clean up someone else’s mess, you didn’t cause the pain, you didn’t have to take responsibility for what you did to impact someone else’s life.
It’s actually quite cowardly of us to pick up other people’s messes instead of empowering women and men to return to who caused the mess and guide healing to occur.
Yet deep down these dark experiences of him I knew this wasn’t the truth of him.
He wanted to be there.
He truly wanted to be better.
Just emotionally he couldn’t.
Emotionally he was immature, and he had no idea what to say, be, or do to make the pain I went through better because both of our thoughts co-created this experience.
I know this because I felt the truth of him in my body.
I felt his heart.
Yet I had to come to terms that sometimes our own body carries a wisdom that other people are not aligning to the wisdom of what we know to be true.
And when that happens it’s time to let go.
Because otherwise, you are gaslighting yourself knowing the feelings of your body signaling to you that someone is pure, they have a higher state of Consciousness, yet they are choosing to not align to that frequency in reality.
And you must trust this sign to let go.
To let it be.
That a greater love will find you, enter into your life, and you will feel whole again.
That through letting this other person go is the only way they will be offered an opportunity to heal and grow.
And this is why it is so hard to let go.
Because we don’t know what’s on the other side of pain that has been the base minimum of our life.
Also, because the true heart of someone you felt inside of you which can be through a man’s genitals penetrating you or becoming pregnant is different than the man who is showing up in his body, in this reality.
And that is enough to trust yourself, trust your body, and start your journey to expand your reality, and liberate yourself from anything else than the truest exploration and essence of you.
Let me know what comes up.
Turn your life into the greatest love affair,
Colleen Gallagher
To go deeper on this we suggest my third book An Uncompromised Life